When It Didn’t Go as Planned: My Birth Story

This one is hard to write. I have started and stopped more times than I can count. Birth stories are so personal, and this one has layers I am still working through. But I want to share it because I know I am not the only one whose experience did not go exactly as hoped, and I want to give voice to the parts that are often left unsaid.

From the beginning, I knew labor might not go the way I envisioned. I tried to hold my plans loosely. But still, nothing truly prepared me for just how far off course it would feel. I went in for an induction, hopeful but nervous. And after hours of waiting, monitoring, laboring, and praying, it became clear that we were headed for a C-section.

I am incredibly grateful. Isla arrived safely. She is healthy and beautiful and more than I could have imagined. There were no major complications, and for that, I will always thank God.

But that is not the whole story.

People often say, “At least mom and baby are healthy,” and while that is absolutely true and important, it is not everything. Birth is not just about the outcome. It is about the journey. And my journey included moments of feeling unheard, unseen, and unsure of how to express what I needed. There were times I felt small in a room full of decisions, overwhelmed and afraid to speak up.

I remember a nurse saying I was handling everything so well. That I seemed calm, flexible, smiling even as things changed minute by minute. But the truth is, I was terrified. On the inside, I was falling apart. I kept thinking, This is not what I imagined. This is not how I thought it would feel. And though I knew God was with me, I still felt the weight of fear pressing on my chest.

One of the hardest parts was not getting to hold Isla right away. I had dreamed of that first moment of skin-to-skin, of hearing her cry and pulling her to my chest. Instead, I watched from the table while others held her first. And that ache still lingers.

Recovery in the hospital was harder than I thought it would be. I was in pain, overwhelmed, and trying to bond with my baby while also mourning the parts of the experience I had longed for but did not get. And even now, weeks later, I am still untangling the mix of gratitude and grief.

What I’m Still Learning
Things do not always go the way we hope. We can plan, prepare, and pray, but sometimes God allows us to walk through experiences that look and feel different than we expected. That does not mean He left. It does not mean we did anything wrong. It means there is something in the middle of the unexpected that He still wants to meet us in.

I am still learning how to grieve things that are good but hard. I am learning that disappointment and faith can exist together. That being thankful for a healthy baby does not erase the pain of what felt missing. And that God is not waiting for me to be over it before He comforts me. He is with me in the process.

I am learning to be gentle with myself. To acknowledge that healing is not just physical. To accept that even when things go off track, God still goes with me. And maybe even more so.

A Word of Grace
If your birth or big life moment did not go the way you hoped, it is okay to say so. Gratitude and grief can live in the same breath. You can thank God for a healthy baby and still feel the loss of what was missed. You can be strong and still admit that it was scary. You can be faithful and still feel broken in moments.

You are not weak for feeling it all. You are human. And God is still with you in the feelings you have not fully processed yet. He is still with you in the questions, the “what ifs,” and the ache of what did not happen.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.” - Isaiah 43:2

Write a Letter to the You Who Went Through It
Think back to a moment or season that left you feeling overwhelmed, disappointed, or unseen. Take a few minutes to write a letter to that version of yourself.

Speak kindly.
Acknowledge what was hard.
Affirm what was brave.
Remind yourself that what you carried was real, and that you did not have to carry it alone.

This practice can help you process emotions that still linger, and it gives space for grace to meet you where healing is still needed.